make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
