I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
