Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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