Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
