It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I still have a little drunk in my system
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
