dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
