Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
