my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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