You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
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