You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
