i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
