oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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