I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize