And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
