Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
