I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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