Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
worst night to have a conscience
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
