i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
There's always time for handjobs
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
