Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
