when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
