She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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