im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
