Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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