i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
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