During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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