I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Randomize
