i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
you never un-have a 4some
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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