I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
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