His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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