Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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