I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Help. Why am I so naked?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
