my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
