Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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