just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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