The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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