My liver just broke up with me...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
