it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
