A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
