I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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