At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
