I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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