Im at strip club and am horny
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
