Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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