I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
