Your mouth is God's brothel.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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