They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
