I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
