3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
