Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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