Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize