i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Randomize
