I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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