oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
