I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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