Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
