Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
